I have divided my effort on educating innocent teenagers about sex into seven chapters, (may be because the international average size of the dick is seven inches) and I have devoted each chapter to one of the qualities of a smiling and happy dick. I have also sprinkled some really funny sex jokes to keep the readers laughing as they learn. As everybody knows, the dick is a paradox. It is tough and yet flexible. It is stiffly flexible and flexibly stiff. Trust me when it is stiff, it is tough. But if you are good to the dick, it will do as you say and bend and flex to enter anywhere you want, into a pussy or an ass and even a loaf of bread, if you are just masturbating. The dick is also confident and cocky, I mean the erect dick. The tired dick is always sullen and sloppy and looks like nothing more than a hurt ego hanging between the man's two legs. But the positive thing about the dick is it is always ready to rise to the occasion, and that is its confidence. Then I have a chapter called I am happy and gay. If you are so confident that you can rise to any occasion, of course you are going to be happy and gay. I know women love me, but I also know that some of them are jealous of me. Freud has called this "penis jealousy". So the true love I get is from the gays who really love me and worship me, and although they already have one, they like me so much that they want one more. Another chapter says that I am honest and vulnerable. I mean there is no doubt that I am honest, open, right in front of you. I have nothing to hide so I am not hidden either like vagina is. You know vagina can be deceitful and fake an orgasm by totally ignoring that fact that I am right there inside her watching that she is lying. I may have only one eye, but I am watching everything. I am also powerful and philanthropic. Yes, I have the power of a brave soldier who can enter any fortress he wants to, but the problem is that I am also a celebrity and unfortunately I too have "hangers on" who always want to go with me wherever I go. And they make me so vulnerable that if they get seriously hurt, they can kill my master. Being a celebrity I am also philanthropic in the sense that I don't mind donating my wealth for those men who don't have enough to produce children on their own. I love it when in the theatre world they say a movie is like masturbating the dick and a stage play is like an actual intercourse. One of the chapters notes that it is upright and worshipped. I mean you know that it always stands up for its beliefs and want to be upright all the time. That is why it is and has been worshipped in India as the Shiva Lingham, and also has been worshipped in the ancient times in Europe as a phallus god. And lastly, it is vivid and varied. Of course, because it comes in various shapes and sizes. But in this chapter I have tried to convey the message that big is not always better. Women like it stiff for as long as they don't ejaculate. So don't worry about the size, worry about the stiffness and how long you can prolong it. Even the "Vedas" and "Puranas" say, there is nothing worse that leaving a vagina unsatisfied. Never ever force yourself on it, but if it says yes, then please don't leave it hanging between satisfaction and frustration. So please don't misunderstand my effort because it is what it is -- just a spoof with lots of puns, allegories and similes, and of course, some of the new and forbidden information about sex, sex education and sexual ecstasy, and guess who my narrator is. Yes, you are right, who better than dick itself.
